When did you realize you fell in love with me?
When did you decide to stop?
What hurt you so much that you don't want to be in love?
That you run away with your heart?
Why won't you let the tears fall?
Who taught you to hide from it all?
What about me scares you the most?
How long will you let this go on?
I wish you could see yourself like I do.
Maybe then you'd know what's true
And what lies you've been holding onto.
You are a beautiful black man
Don't believe the false narratives in your head.
Or your goals will become old dreams you never lived.
and in case you need to hear it again,
"I love you and I'm proud of you."
Dear Black Man,
My heart is often conflicted but it is resolute about loving you. I've always thought it is revolutionary to love you because the world would have convinced me otherwise. My experiences have been filled with such dark lows and high peaks with you. I want nothing more than to love you and yet I find myself armoring up around you, and I know what that does to you. It makes you feel like the bad guy the world is trying to convince you that you are. I promise you that I don't feel that way about you, at least I don't want to.
This
month I am going on my toughest battle of grieving and releasing the pain of my past. This month is domestic violence awareness month and I've lost two beautiful sisters in my life to this. I know if I'm ever going to have a chance at really loving you the way you deserve I need to heal this wound. I'm doing this publicly so that we can become better and do this work to heal ourselves and our communities. We've been trapped in these cycles of grief and pain that we've been taking out on one another. Generations of ancestors were robbed of their innocence, and joy at every turn, and those traits were passed down. Patterns repeated and the cycle of harm passed again. But I want to be the change if you want to be with me. I want to do the work to make sure you feel seen, and free to be all of you. Life has required us to be hard and I believe we can radically change if we start with self-love. So, I'll hold the light while I carve us a path back to one another.
I know that you see me and think she's a superwoman. Look at how strong our mothers are, and how the women have been the backbone. Well, I for one, want to say that all superheroes take their caps off, and I want to take mine off for you. Sometimes you tell me that I'm intimidating or that you don't have the capacity. Sometimes I can feel you waiting for criticism and that hurts me. You've learned to prepare for harsh words from women, and I've learned that men are capable of hurting me and so I armor up. Meanwhile, all of us just want to be loved and give love. So this is my declaration to you, I will heal and make more space for you. I'm going to keep fighting for my peace so that I can make a place for you to rest too. No matter how hard this is I will break this curse for us. I love you, black man. Help me find my way back to you.